


Fauxmosexuals

by jedusaur



Category: Bandom
Genre: M/M, Surprise Pairing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-30
Updated: 2011-03-30
Packaged: 2017-10-22 02:49:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/232933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedusaur/pseuds/jedusaur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Considering the dudes he's playing with, Mike thinks it's pretty ironic he's the one who's gay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fauxmosexuals

**Author's Note:**

  * For [greedy_dancer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greedy_dancer/gifts).



> Written for the [Get Pedicone Some meme](http://piratesunk.livejournal.com/17635.html).

Gaydar is bullshit. Mike knows this from personal experience. When people say they have good gaydar, what they mean is that they're overly susceptible to stereotypes. They don't get that there's a difference between gay people having innate identifying characteristics and gay people consciously choosing to identify themselves by certain characteristics. Dudes don't swish their hips so that straight people can nod knowingly and feel good about their keen skills of perception; they swish their hips so that the other dude who's been eyeing them from the bar knows it's okay to follow them into the bathroom.

Except Gerard, who swishes his hips for the benefit of those few unfortunate souls who aren't looking at his ass and therefore obviously are unaware of its presence.

This is why you have to be careful about jumping to conclusions. Because sometimes that guy with his right ear pierced is speaking in code to let you know he's on your side of the fence, but sometimes he's a straight dude who's never heard of the Gay Ear, and sometimes he's a straight dude who wants to be supportive of his gay friends, and sometimes he's a straight dude who lost a bet, and sometimes he's a straight dude who is actively trying to fuck with you in the name of destroying the dominant paradigm. Not that Gerard has an ear piercing, but Mike is pretty sure he would if he weren't a total wuss about anything sharper than a thermometer.

And it is _always_ a bad idea to make any assumptions whatsoever based on bandanas. Especially red ones.

So Mike doesn't rely on coded accessories or hairstyles or floppy wrists to learn anyone's sexual orientation. He looks at more clear-cut signals. Like, say, whether they wear gay pride paraphernalia or express sexual interest in other guys.

Of course, in this band, that's not so helpful either.

Gerard is the worst offender, blatantly lying to packed theaters at the top of his lungs about his love of fellatio, but Frank is a close second with his homemade anti-homophobia shirts and his apparent olfactory addiction to Gerard's crotch. Mikey and Ray aren't so bad during shows, but offstage Ray has no concept of personal space and Mikey will dirty dance like a stripper with absolutely anyone. It's not like Mike particularly wanted to bang any of them, but it's still annoying as hell.

"How the fuck did you put up with it?" he demands, propping himself up on his elbows and tilting his ass up for better prostate contact.

"You just gotta take deep breaths and laugh at them," says Bob, and slams into Mike hard enough to make him completely forget about skinny little straight guys who like to pretend they know anything at all about cock.


End file.
